Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
