Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
