and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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