Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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