we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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