The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
