you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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