i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
sarcasm needs its own font
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
