Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
