bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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