i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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