He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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