your parents love me but you hate me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
