Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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