I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
