Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
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what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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