To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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