Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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