Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize