Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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