I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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