There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
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It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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