my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
