Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this boner is exhausting
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
