I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
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I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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