I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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