Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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