Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
