The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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