I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
