i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
