Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
