we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
