i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
