So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
