the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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