you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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