My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We left the knife in your bed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
