She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
