you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
