she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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