I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Randomize
