Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
