I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.