Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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