I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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