I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
