Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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