Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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