you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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