Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my penis made a compromise with my morals
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
