Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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