i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
