You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
