so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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