Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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