He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
